The question that I have asked myself since I can remember is where is God. This God I chose to follow that is invisible that His people stick up for with such intense Love that some are willing to literally be boiled alive to prove it.
Since I have been a little one I have had this burning desire to know Him. I have given Him praise, and have tried the best I can, through what I know, to devote my life to Him. Even I know my best is lame but what more can I give than my best. It seems He knows it is lame cause since I have been a little guy He has yet to reveal himself to me. In every attempt to be close this last year it seems to have only pushed me further in the long run. My relationship with Him so far seems so horrible....actually I think it is(Though I know I'm wrong). I have as much as the next guy. My zeal for God has had me shouting His name in passionate affection and also saying F-U to him in the midst of feeling rejected by Him(cause it hurts being stood again and again.)
I chased after Jesus and got nothing to show for it except huge piles of pain, and rejection. Just like someone that doesn't believe and chases after the things of this world. I feel empty, I feel blind, and lost.
So right now people's advice is this. Just live. People that love me say it in a variety of ways but the gist of it is..... Just... live...
I still know He is good and He Loves me, but what if I can't hold on any longer?
The Iceberg Melts
1 year ago
2 comments:
All I can say is, God knows us better than we know ourselves (after all, He made us). So He knows how much we can take, if we can or can't hold on any longer, better than we know. So, just live is good, choose life,choose love. God is life, and love unlike any human comparison. Maybe there is more about God and who he is than we know...I'm sure there is. When everything is taken away and only God remains and we give up, then God in the center can work.
Just live is good advice ... though not likely possible as there is a reason for your conflictedness. Though not naive enough to believe my simple thought would cure such a complexity, I do have one suggestion: Identify the internal conflict centering on knowing him. There is a REASON you are not finding Him, and it's not that you are bad, and it's not that He is hiding from you. Some part of you is conflicted about knowing Him. One part of you knows something about Him, that another part of you "cannot" know for some reason. Your challenge is to identify the conflicted knowledge about Him (his goodness, faithfulness, mercy ... things difficult for you to FULLY receive)then discover the heart of the conflict. Then pray (maybe with someone) to find resolution. Sounds as though even one conflict may take several attempts at resolution, but I truly believe this sounds like an issue solveable by resolution of internal conflicts. Sounds like psycho garbage, I know, but if it's not you, and it's not Him, then it IS something you think you know about Him or YOU or both of you that another part of you does NOT know. Solution for devidedness=resolution of internal conflict and the split between your good/bad parts.
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